giving up a dream...

I am a regular reader of a weekly syndicated article that appears in our local paper. The theme of this week's column was giving up a dream that had just been within the author's reach. He had always dreamed of living overseas and was making the final plans when he and his wife had a heart to heart talk and decided against the move. He described some of his feelings in his piece.

For some reason, I really resonated with this article. I think it's because there are times in our lives when we finally have to let go of something that is just not going to happen. I am there. I had hoped for this dream to be realized, but for all intensive purposes...it won't. Things changed and it's no longer a practical pursuit. I considered really pushing hard for it...but in my heart, I know it's not the right thing to do.

I have, at times, tried to force issues in my life, hoping to drag God along with me. (Then hoping He'll bail me out if need be.) I believe He has a plan for me, but honestly, my idea seems better. (I know what I'm planning, I can't say I have much insight into His plans.) So, I started a little preemptive pushing, but stopped to pray. (This is always the dangerous part for me--I have to stop pushing and listen.) Then my heart started to change, and I got honest with myself. The reality is that prayer is often not about changing circumstances, but the process of God changing us. So, I have to let go of this...even though I can't think of a better dream out there. Thus, my finite limitations show through again.

Maybe I fear that God really doesn't realize how important this was to me. (Sounds stupid...omnipotent God doesn't know minor detail about one of His followers.) Maybe He doesn't know how disappointed I am. (Equally stupid...omnipresent God doesn't see my tears.) Or maybe I just can't imagine that He sees beyond my questions into my future...the circumstances, events and changes that will take place. (Additionally stupid, everlasting God, can't see into future.)

So, I am left to decide to actively trust my God or wallow in my disappointment and maybe get a little bitter. I think active trust is way to go. To intentionally pursue His plan for my life and that of our family. I know that bitterness is not an option, I'll choose to believe.