staring down the enemy...

...fear...

...it lurks...ebbs and flows...stays in the background, then leaps to the foreground...sometimes it's so quiet i forget that it's ever been around.

then something happens that awakes the giant and reminds me that i must rely on God. i recently finished a Bible study with some of the women at church. it was based on the old testament book of Esther. a woman who had to face major fear after being thrust into the role of saving her people. one of the premises of the study is that "it's tough being a woman in the tight fist of fear".

it is.

this past week was tough. i faced one of those strangulating fears. the one where i find one of my loved ones needing *immediate* medical attention. the one where i had to call 9-1-1...make sure the person had an airway...let the paramedics in...and realize that i and the one i love were helpless.

it's tough being a woman in the tight fist of fear.

it's tough brushing against grief.

in fact, our church service was about grief today. a couple came and shared about losing their first child to trisomy 18 and their journey with grief.

one of the points that the husband made was that when we are faced with grief (or in my case crushing fear) it cements the reality that we are not in control of everything in our lives. sure we can take precautions, were helmets, buckle seatbelts, maintain our health, and do the right things... but when it comes down to it, we don't run the show.

i can mentally ascent to that, but there are times when that reality is brought into sharp focus.

what then? when you're riding in the ambulance when you were supposed to be warm in bed? when your heart is hardly beating under the strangulating noose of fear?

then, God.

when I rode in the ambulance with him: then God.

when I ask why? then God.

why? because He does not change, He is not surprised by my circumstances, He does not fret over the outcome, He can withstand my questions and anger, and His son died so I could live free of the tight fist of fear.

is that easy for me? no.

do i still feel the fear at times? yes.

then God.