staring down the enemy...

...fear...

...it lurks...ebbs and flows...stays in the background, then leaps to the foreground...sometimes it's so quiet i forget that it's ever been around.

then something happens that awakes the giant and reminds me that i must rely on God. i recently finished a Bible study with some of the women at church. it was based on the old testament book of Esther. a woman who had to face major fear after being thrust into the role of saving her people. one of the premises of the study is that "it's tough being a woman in the tight fist of fear".

it is.

this past week was tough. i faced one of those strangulating fears. the one where i find one of my loved ones needing *immediate* medical attention. the one where i had to call 9-1-1...make sure the person had an airway...let the paramedics in...and realize that i and the one i love were helpless.

it's tough being a woman in the tight fist of fear.

it's tough brushing against grief.

in fact, our church service was about grief today. a couple came and shared about losing their first child to trisomy 18 and their journey with grief.

one of the points that the husband made was that when we are faced with grief (or in my case crushing fear) it cements the reality that we are not in control of everything in our lives. sure we can take precautions, were helmets, buckle seatbelts, maintain our health, and do the right things... but when it comes down to it, we don't run the show.

i can mentally ascent to that, but there are times when that reality is brought into sharp focus.

what then? when you're riding in the ambulance when you were supposed to be warm in bed? when your heart is hardly beating under the strangulating noose of fear?

then, God.

when I rode in the ambulance with him: then God.

when I ask why? then God.

why? because He does not change, He is not surprised by my circumstances, He does not fret over the outcome, He can withstand my questions and anger, and His son died so I could live free of the tight fist of fear.

is that easy for me? no.

do i still feel the fear at times? yes.

then God.

March Madness

lovin' the start of the Tournament.

am a graduate of wisconsin and am so proud of my badgers. not a consistent team during the season, but they put on a good show tonight.

Mars meet Venus

As we watch Kate and Sam develop, we are frequently amazed at how really different they are. Not only in personality, taste and approach to life, but in the way they approach play.

Take yesterday, for example. After getting home from work, Sam asked me to play trains with him. Sam dearly loves trains and is now a poster child for *Thomas*the*Tank*Engine. We have the trains, track, puzzles, stickers, cups and videos.

In fact, he's recently decided he's no longer Sam--he's renamed himself "Gordon". Gordon is the engine who is a little pompous and arrogant. Not too sure he's good at picking role models. Anyway, he now wants us to refer to him as "Gordon" and Daddy has been renamed "Gordon's Daddy".

Back to playing trains. So, Sam (aka Gordon) sets me up with Henry (another engine) and a few other freight cars. I am then instructed to follow him around as he drives his train and I drive mine. (This does not need to include any conversation, just some choo-choo noises.)

This drives Kate nuts. She can't stand being left out of the action. Sam and I weren't talking, we were just driving out trains.

So she goes to find Thomas*the*tank*Engine and gets in on the action. She immediately pulls up to my engine, Henry, and proceeds to try to engage Henry in a conversation. This is followed by her Thomas saying to my little engine, "Henry, I love you," and gives him a kiss.

Meanwhile, Sam notices that I'm no longer following him and reminds me that we are playing trains.

Did Sam not notice that our trains were trying to build relationships? Please, doesn't he know trains need to be friends? Well, at least Kate thought so.

She wants to sit around the train station and sing kumbayah and Sam wants to load and unload the freight.

There must be a happy medium.

looking back...

When people get to know me, they eventually find out that I love China. My regret from our first visit was that I didn't take more pictures, but I was so busy soaking in the sights, smells, tastes and culture. I was so amazed by the experience. Everything but the bitter cold in Beijing was so new.

We wandered these streets with a dear friend of ours before meeting our group of adoptive families...



This gentleman makes "chops". He carves Chinese characters or names into soft stone for you while you wait. These can then be dipped in red ink and used as a stamp. He was very humble and insisted he was not an artist, just someone who carves chops. He said artists do much more intricate work.

After we met our group, we went on a whirlwind tour of the sights about the "North City". The Great Wall was amazing to Runner Boy and I. As we climbed the stairs, you could see the way they had been worn over thousands of years.

They run a marathon over part of the Great Wall...I doubt we'll be signing up for that one!


It was all wonderful, but back to the best part of the trip...this is Peanut having her first bottle with us.

I just kept looking at that beautiful little face and rosy cheeks.

A bit off...

Must be the weather. Sometimes life just gets to a person. It's gloomy outside... Some dumb driver tries to hit you when she turns the wrong way onto an interstate off ramp (while talking on her cell phone)... Your little one manages to get more boo-boos in one day than he has in months...

...so to drag myself out of my funk and to get my creativity going, I take a little look back...

and I smile...

...because these were some of the best days of our lives...

having this little peanut join our family was the beginning of a wonderful journey...

...she's an energetic, happy, dramatic, creative, ball of fire...

...what a miracle that this little girl from rural China found her way into our lives and hearts...

I'm about to start a memory book for my little peanut, so I was perusing through some of our pics...many more to go...

heard on the news...

a local citizen has been arrested 3 times in the past 12 days for operating a motor vehicle while intoxicated.

he has been released on bond by a local judge with the following order...

"stay away from alcohol"

how do you think that will work Einstein?