I'm in a reflective mood today. I think it's because I'm thinking about some of my most profound weaknesses and some of those things that hold me back in life. Maybe you don't have those things, but I do. They range from little nagging fears to the the proverbial "elephant sitting on the dining room table". (You know he's there, but don't do anything about it.)
Sometimes I try to shove these weaknesses out of my mind by being as busy as possible. That usually works pretty well for me, but at the moment, I am so tired, I haven't been able to be as busy. Everytime I sat down yesterday, I feel asleep. I fell asleep in Church...fell asleep reading my favorite blogs...fell asleep during football games. (I did stay awake while the kids were around, so no one was injured.)
I sat down for a few minutes today to check blogs and went to tonywoodlief.com home of "Sand in the Gears", one of my favorites. His entry for today hit me so hard, I just stopped and stared at the screen. I didn't think that anyone could put my feelings of fear of God into words like Mr. Woodlief did. So, I wiped my tears away and thanked God for the transparency of some people. It's good to know that we are not alone in our struggles, weaknesses and fears. If we were, life would be pretty isolating and intimidating. Here I am, someone who professes to follow God, who is more than a little afraid of what God might do or allow in my life. It seems so easy for some people to trust God, but it hasn't been so easy for me. I want to believe that He has my best interests in mind, but more often, I find myself waiting for the other shoe to drop. ...waiting to be disappointed, waiting to be hurt, to suffer emotionally or to loose someone that I love. So rather than pray, I work very hard to control my environment and try to prevent pain and suffering.
The reality is that this is a ridiculous waste of my energy because I cannot possibly control every facet of my life, my kids lives and the lives of those that I love. In contrast, it may also be a waste of my relationship with God to spend more time trying to control the uncontrollable rather than spending time getting to know that God that says He Died for me. He said He Died for me and I'm afraid He's going to cause pain in my life that I cannot survive.
I have suffered loss before, I have felt deep penetrating pain, but I think what holds me back the most is that I don't want any more. I want to tell God that I'm done, I don't anymore pain, no more confusing hurt, no more loss. But, I believe my focus is wrong here. I'm looking at the losses and missing that completeness that a relationship with God brings. The hope, the potential for peace, the strength in knowing the God of the universe.
May this day of reflection and tears take me to the place of a deeper understanding of God and His grace. May I focus on Life Eternal and not fear of loss. Most of all, thanks to a God who is not shocked by our weakness and wants us to be honest, so He can change us.
And so I pray the words of Augustine in his "Prayer for Difficult Days":
God of our life, there are days
when the burdens we carry chafe
our shoulders and weigh us down;
when the road seems dreary and
endless, the skies gray and
threatening; when our lives have
no music in them, and our hearts
are lonely, and our souls have lost
their courage. Flood the path with
light, we beseech Thee; turn our
eyes to where the skies are full of
promise; tune our hearts to brave
music; give us the sense of
comradeship with heroes and
saints of every age; and so quicken
our spirits that we may be able to
encourage the souls of all who
journey with us on the road to
life, to Thy honor and glory.
