Giving

Kate has become very passionate about giving.

She has been saving the money she has been given or earned since she was about 3 years old.

(Sidebar: She is on straight commission at home: if she does her jobs, she gets paid at the end of the week. If she doesn't do her jobs, she does not get paid. There are basic jobs you are required to do if you live at our house, then there are the jobs you can do to earn coin. We believe it's important to learn the value of work at a young age...so we started the commission plan earlier this summer. No entitlements at this house.)

Sunday she reminded me we needed to take some money out of her bank to send to Chinese orphans. We had been talking about where she might want to give some of her money, and she chose the children of China.

As we took the money out of her banks, a look of panic spread across her face. She then asked, "I don't know how to count in the millions, how will I count my money?" I assured her that I could count high enough to figure out how much cash she has on hand.

We counted the all of it (less than $1 million dollars on hand) and then divided it into 3 piles. The first pile is for giving. This will be going to support her passion. The second pile is for saving. The third pile is for spending. She can use this to purchase things she wants and to learn how money works.

While she doesn't completely understand the system yet, she certainly is excited about sharing what she's earned. She also was very excited to take her own money and buy her own *Silly*Bands*. I didn't personally love the idea of buying rubber bands with her hard earned cash, but it's not my money. It's hers and it's part of her education...that is priceless.

I am proud of her giving heart and hope it only becomes more compassionate over time.

staring down the enemy...

...fear...

...it lurks...ebbs and flows...stays in the background, then leaps to the foreground...sometimes it's so quiet i forget that it's ever been around.

then something happens that awakes the giant and reminds me that i must rely on God. i recently finished a Bible study with some of the women at church. it was based on the old testament book of Esther. a woman who had to face major fear after being thrust into the role of saving her people. one of the premises of the study is that "it's tough being a woman in the tight fist of fear".

it is.

this past week was tough. i faced one of those strangulating fears. the one where i find one of my loved ones needing *immediate* medical attention. the one where i had to call 9-1-1...make sure the person had an airway...let the paramedics in...and realize that i and the one i love were helpless.

it's tough being a woman in the tight fist of fear.

it's tough brushing against grief.

in fact, our church service was about grief today. a couple came and shared about losing their first child to trisomy 18 and their journey with grief.

one of the points that the husband made was that when we are faced with grief (or in my case crushing fear) it cements the reality that we are not in control of everything in our lives. sure we can take precautions, were helmets, buckle seatbelts, maintain our health, and do the right things... but when it comes down to it, we don't run the show.

i can mentally ascent to that, but there are times when that reality is brought into sharp focus.

what then? when you're riding in the ambulance when you were supposed to be warm in bed? when your heart is hardly beating under the strangulating noose of fear?

then, God.

when I rode in the ambulance with him: then God.

when I ask why? then God.

why? because He does not change, He is not surprised by my circumstances, He does not fret over the outcome, He can withstand my questions and anger, and His son died so I could live free of the tight fist of fear.

is that easy for me? no.

do i still feel the fear at times? yes.

then God.

It's worth a tri...

I did it. I signed up for my first sprint triathlon. I needed a goal, something to point to...and I found it. I will be spending my July birthday churning through a local lake, pedaling through the countryside and pounding 5k's worth of pavement.

It's a short triathlon, but it's something worth climbing out of bed in the morning and heading to the gym.

One of my biggest problems is that I put off doing things that I'm not comfortable with. In this case, the swim looms large and long. But, it's not just swimming...it's anything that I dread, am not good at, may involve conflict or has an unknown outcome. This "defect" causes alot of stress in my life at times and it's something that I am working on.

With my typical avoidance pattern in mind, I started swimming this week. As I started paddling along in the pool, I was filled with despair over my endurance and irregular breathing. This time, however, I have started months in advance instead of 2 weeks before the event.

I have since been in pool twice. (Instead of drowning in my despair and quitting) And, it's already better than I would have hoped. Today, I did a 1/2 mile swim and survived. I still have 10 weeks to train and the relief of facing my weakness is great.

Now, if I can just translate this across many aspects of my life, I'll have found a way to decrease some of the stress in life that I can control.

As Dory said in "Finding Nemo", I'll "just keep swimmin..."