It's been a very long time since I have posted. Life has been busy and I have not been very inspired.
We are now in a time of significant transition and there is much to decide, to process and to work through.
We brought home our little one from China yesterday.
In spite of all the preparation we did, it seems that maybe you are never really ready.
Our little one comes from a "hard place". Abandoned. Multiple care givers. Lived in 2 different facilities. Trips to the doctor. Crying and no one coming. Hungry and not being full. Scared and not being comforted. Needing to learn and not being taught.
He also comes from a place of never really learning the word "no". When your world is so small, so scheduled, so limited...there's no place to ever be told "yes". But, then there are not many opportunities to be told "no" either.
So, he leaves the facility and goes into a flashy world full of food, stores, toys...and people. Two of those people have been assigned as his parents. (And he has no idea what a parent is or does.) And those assigned people started saying "no" to some of these amazing things before his eyes. And "no" is a hard word when you rarely have heard it and it seems that everything before you is so good.
As I've have struggled through these first days with our new little one, I have often thought of God as a Father. How often He loved me when I was behaving like an angry child. Walking with me as I have kicked, fought and raged about not getting my way. He loves me through my frustration and inability to understand His plan...the times He has said "no".
Perhaps I am not unlike my new son; not really grasping what a loving Father is to understand when it seems He is saying "no".
As I watched our young one rage, lash out and spit...I had a brief hint of what it must be for our heavenly Father to stand by and watch his children turn their backs and refuse to be loved.
To choose to love in the face of rejection is profoundly painful as a parent. It doesn't come with the warm feelings welling up from the heart. It comes from a conscious choice to put aside your anger and to do the right thing.
It is the hardest thing I have ever done. Yet, God gave the ultimate sacrifice for me when I was unlovely and difficult. How deeply humbling this is.
